The West’s greatest weapon in a war with China? Online porn

North Korean troops in Ukraine have reportedly become addicted to pornography. For the West, this could prove a vital military breakthrough

When Ukrainians heard that North Korea was sending thousands of soldiers to fight for Putin, they must have been alarmed. Thankfully, however, it sounds as though the threat posed by Kim Jong Un’s men may have been dramatically blunted.
Because an extraordinary report this week reveals that, since arriving on the front line, the North Korean soldiers have become hopelessly addicted to online pornography.
Since such material is banned in their homeland, this is the first time that any of them will have encountered it. And the experience is bound to have a destabilising effect on these hitherto disciplined, focused and sexually innocent young men. After just a couple of weeks spent goggling transfixed at free XXX-rated porn videos, they’ll be a bunch of drooling, glassy-eyed, good-for-nothing layabouts.
I just hope that our generals are paying close attention to this key military development. It could give the West a crucial advantage, when World War Three inevitably begins. This is because another country where pornography is banned is China. As a result, there will be a very simple way for us to weaken President Xi’s vast army.
Instead of dropping bombs on China, our planes should drop old copies of Penthouse and Razzle. Unlike our boys, the enemy won’t be familiar with the content of such publications. Once under its spell, they’ll be so dazed and distracted, we’ll easily defeat them.
Handily enough, 20 years ago I used to write for a lads’ mag. Long since defunct, of course, as all lads’ mags are, but I’m sure I must have some back issues somewhere. And so, as a proud British patriot, I stand ready to do my bit for the war effort, by digging them out of the attic, and unloading them over Beijing.
At the time, magazines like FHM, Nuts and Zoo were dismissed as tawdry and shameful. What a turn-around it will be, if they end up saving the civilised world.
In the second series of Wolf Hall – which begins tomorrow evening on BBC One – a number of 16th-century English nobles will be played by actors who are black. When this “colourblind” casting policy was originally announced, some viewers ventured to wonder whether it might undermine the drama’s historical authenticity. This week, however, its producers defended the policy – by claiming that the late Dame Hilary Mantel, the author of the original novels, gave it her blessing.
As it happens, I support it, too. Indeed, I do so with wholehearted enthusiasm. Mainly because I’ve just approached the BBC to pitch a historical drama series of my own.
Set in southern Africa during the early 19th century, it tells the breathtaking true story of how the great chief Shaka led his tribe to establish the mighty Zulu Kingdom. Armed with their iklwa hunting spears and isihlangu cowhide shields, the fearless Zulu warriors confront their ferocious enemies the Ndwandwe at the Battle of Mhlatuze River. We also see them pound their goatskin drums to the thunderous rhythm of the ukusina dance, and offer sacrifices to the supreme being Unkulunkulu.
It’s going to be BBC period drama at its very best. Naturally, therefore, it deserves a first-rate cast. Which is why, to play my four main Zulu characters, I plan to hire Hugh Grant, Kate Winslet, Benedict Cumberbatch and Florence Pugh.
Initially I was worried that, for casting actors of the wrong ethnicity to play real historical figures, I would be accused of perpetrating an appallingly offensive, misleading and indeed racist distortion of history. But now I see that I had nothing to fear.
Young, single, Left-wing women across the US are so angry about the result of the election, they’ve embarked on a “sex strike”. That is: they’ve turned celibate, in order to punish men for Donald Trump’s win.
“For the next four years, I am going to abstain from sex with men,” declared one young woman on Tiktok.
“All I have to say [to men] is: ‘Good luck getting laid’,” sniffed another.
“Hope you thought that through, you guys,” jeered a third.
On the face of it, this may sound like bad news for the young men of America. Personally, though, I think they should applaud the strike, and urge its participants to keep going.
This is because any young woman who responds in such a comically petulant manner to the result of a democratic election is clearly an insufferable, spoilt, whiny, immature, narcissistic, attention-seeking, pathologically self-righteous brat. Thanks to the sex strike, therefore, young American men will be spared the tedium of going on a date with someone so mind-bendingly tiresome. Instead, their country’s dating pool will now consist exclusively of women who are sane, and who realise that there is no more unattractive a trait, in either sex, than an all-consuming fixation with politics.
That, however, is not the only reason why young male Trump voters should welcome the strike. There’s another. Because, if the sex strike lasts long enough, these Left-wing women will never reproduce.
Which means that, in future, there will be fewer Left-wing voters, and more conservative victories.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday